My Tinder Horror Story

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So as a lot of you have gathered from my blog so far, I am a hopeless romantic and although I started this blog with the intention of writing about just decor it has turned into a journal about my life as I navigate through my twenties. I have mentioned my journey to find my special guy, now I have had my heart broken a few times, but I haven’t given up on the possibility of one day finding that all consuming love that everyone talks about. I feel like these days it is so hard to meet someone, people are choosing to get married later, people are putting careers first, women are freezing their eggs AND there are so many routes to choose from to meet a guy and everyone has their own unique story. You don’t want to meet a guy in a bar because he was probably looking for that one night stand, you don’t want to date a co-worker because the potential break up could be too messy to navigate through the office politics. You don’t want to meet someone at the gym because, um well, I don’t know about anyone else but I am huffing and puffing on the treadmill, beads of sweat pouring down my face, mascara running down my eyes, bright red face, and I’m pretty sure I nod my head to my music. I look like the swamp thing every time I leave my gym and I would probably judge the guy that found that hot mess attractive. So where is a single girl supposed to go to meet people? I feel like the way that people normally do it has passed me by, a lot of my friends from college, that met their significant others in college are getting married and popping out kids. “Hey world! I’m over here!”

My mom has always told me to never air your dirty laundry in public, but that was the generation that she grew up in. Do I still try to stick to that same mantra? Yes, but I wouldn’t be an honest blogger if I did. Am I telling you this cautionary tale to be malicious to those involved? Of course not! But I want my readers out there to know that I am like every other twenty something, I am looking for love and I am going to hit a few speed bumps along the way, get a little burned and why not share my tale so at least one person can relate to my story. Side note: Liam Hemsworth, anytime you want to swing by Vacaville and pick me up your more than welcome too, your presence has been long over due! :)

Back in late September, I had recently joined Tinder. And I know everyone just threw their hands up and said of course she got burned if she was on Tinder! But let me explain my reasoning. I have had a couple of friends meet their significant others on Tinder and I did believe that you are more likely to meet someone on Tinder because it didn’t cost you an arm and a leg, everybody could do it, so I thought I was opening up to more of the public. Now MOST people on Tinder are pretty honest with what they are looking for. And being on Tinder, because it does have its reputation after all, its one of the first questions that I ask people: “What brings you to Tinder and what are you looking for?” They are pretty honest right then and there and I can usually spot a sketchy situation fast. Or so I thought.

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So in late September I was matched with a guy that I wasn’t exactly attracted to(I’m going to be brutally honest with this whole ugly tale), but my brother had just informed me that he thought I was being too picky. He messaged me about 45 minutes after we matched, (its always a good sign when the guy messages you first) so I was excited about that, but it wasn’t from the hot firefighter that I also matched with earlier that I was hoping for. We chatted back and forth for a few days, it wasn’t anything I was too excited about it was nice to finally talk to someone of the opposite sex. He asked for my phone number and everything was going ok, I wasn’t too interested because I wasn’t really attracted to him. He even commented a few times that I didn’t seem quick to respond to his messages, but I thought it fair that I start giving him a chance because he seemed like he was really trying.

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First red flag came when two weeks after we were talking he had to reschedule our first date, when I asked if everything was ok, he said: “I’m having to move out of my house earlier than I expected and I just need to be loved.” Cue the weird expression on my face, the one that looked like I just ate a lemon. Should I have said “peace out” right then and there? You bet! I just replied: “we will see what happens.” We talked for another couple of days and I started to develop some feelings, he was a great talker and seemed to be saying all of the right things. He said he was ready for a real relationship and looking for a great person to share his life with. Perfect! Now I just needed to meet the guy and that proved to be a little difficult and I couldn’t figure out why, he was always wishy washy about meeting. One day I got fed up with it and called him out on it and said I was out of here and it was his loss. He tried to explain and did a really bad job at it until I finally got him to admit his secret….he had two young kids. Second red flag, flew up high and proud. I wasn’t turned off that he had kids, I was turned off that I felt like I had to force that truth out of him. A big no no in my world, well girls it should be a no no in your world too!

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I decided to look past it, it was too early to decide if kids was a NO for me or not. But I told my girlfriends that if I didn’t eventually have a somewhat good relationship with the kids mother I was out because I have personally seen some of my family members get their lives really turned upside down by bitter exes. The first date was incredible, he was cuter in person than his pictures, not someone I would have picked out in a crowd but he was cute and super sweet. I was hooked. His words were so sweet and I was hanging onto them, like Rose hanging onto Jack kind of hanging on. It was so natural and easy to talk to him that I came forward with my past abusive relationship and told him I was approaching this relationship with caution and I needed it to be right. He assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he really liked me and was excited about this and would never hurt me, he wanted to spoil me. He spent the rest of the evening saying the sweetest words to me and really making me feel safe. On the phone the next day he mentioned to me that he told a coworker he was hanging out with his girlfriend last night. Cue the AWES’! I was hooked, finally someone to be excited about! Finally! Finally! Thank you God, you have answered my prayers and brought me the man of my dreams. My knight is shining armor had finally shown up, kids in tow, I didn’t care, I cared about him and wanted to make him happy as hell and therefore I was preparing myself to help with the kids. I don’t have a maternal bone in my body but he made me feel so special, I was going to grow one just for him.

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(kind of what our faces looked like as everything played out)

He was incredible, called me, texted me, was very attentive to me and just overall seemed to care about me and my well being which seemed so nice and refreshing! The second time we hung out was even better, the nerves were gone and I felt like I was truly myself with him, I felt like I was naked so to speak around him, because through his words it really felt like he could see me for me and he loved what he saw. It was during this personal one on one time that I asked some more personal questions about his ex and his kids. It was at this moment that he got super serious with me and said to me that as a man with cop training he truly felt that his ex was crazy enough that he felt she should be committed. I was shocked, and tried to hide it. He said they had been broken up for 8 months and there was no chance he was going back to her because of the safety of his kids, for his safety and because she was crazy, that seemed like a valid enough reason to never question him. He said they were trying to keep it out of the courts, but he worried for his kids sometimes being left alone with her. He also came clean to me and said that the house he moved out of when we were first talking was the house they shared together and they had been living there together even through their break up. (I have heard of that before, but didn’t like it)  I said to him do you think if our relationship continues I could develop a good relationship with her? “No because she hates you and she is that type of person, she is jealous and wants me back, she will always hate you.” Well Kelsi, I said to myself, I guess that is one less christmas card you have to send out this year! My heart sank, the blood drained from my face, exactly what I didn’t want and vowed to myself that I would never let myself get into this situation. Did I care enough about him to disregard the vow I made to myself? I was thinking so. I enjoyed the rest of the evening with him, but another red flag! Man was this kid painting the town red right now, holy cow!

I was scared, because I really liked this guy and was falling for him more and more but his personal life seemed so complicated and he was only 24! And it seemed to be hard for him to be honest until I cornered him into it, but his words to me were perfect and talking to him on the phone was so nice, it was truly like talking to your movie star crush everyday, giggly, flirty, I would find ways to make him repeat that I belonged to him and that I was his girlfriend, I’m a total sap and a hopeless romantic what can I say? What started to make me feel really uneasy was on his off days he never made an effort to come see me, he wanted to go to a bar with his friends, he wanted to go watch a football game with his buddies, he was going to go drink moonshine with his brother? What am I dating a 16 year old hick?! I grew out of this, the parties, the frats, the hangovers, the beer pong tournaments, the vowing to never get that drunk again and then 3 hours later there’s another beer in your hand, all of this I experienced in college, I just naturally grew up and out of that stuff, sure I still go out for the occasional drink but I’m an adult with an adult life that calls to me everyday. Then I realized he didn’t go to college and have that experience, he had a child in high school and has been playing catch up ever since. I had to piece this together on my own because prince charming over here wasn’t so good with the honesty thing, I don’t know is honesty overrated now? My red flags were starting to irritate me like an annoying cheerleader blocking my view during a really good game and I was really leaning on my friends for support of whether I should stay in this or not. Right now ladies is when I should have left, I should have grabbed my heart and my heart strings, anything else I had left and RAN. FAST. I didn’t. You should!

On the fourth week of dating, we had planned a date night, and little did he know, I had a huge surprise for him, I had been planning it for four days and I was so excited! I texted him that morning and asked what time he was coming. He replied: “Sorry babe, not tonight, I’m going to watch the game with my buddies.” The final red flag flew up in the air and exploded into confetti and rained down around me, I had enough and if I learned anything from my relationship with Rashad, it was to rock the boat when something is wrong. I called him up and called him out on him being shady and seeming so wishy washy. I asked why I couldn’t drive to his place and see him than? He said it was because his ex was coming around his place, asking about our relationship, the status on it, that she was off her medication and wanted him back and if she saw me she would physically hurt me. My mouth dropped into the expression from the villain out of the Scream movies! Oh my gosh, what did I get myself into?! “Kelsi, remember we wanted normal, NORMAL, this is so far from normal, I can’t even see normal anymore!” It sounded like he was talking about a woman who had a starring role in: Orange is the new black. I told my mom what he said and she screamed: “Oh heck no, she isn’t touching my baby! I’m not going to be on an episode of Dateline where the crazy ex kills you, and the pathetic boyfriend will be shedding fake tears saying you were a bubbly person that everyone loved!” My mom officially casted her ballot. But I was attached, I was hooked, he was cute and his words were so sweet and so full of meaning, he couldn’t have been lying when he said them, they sounded too genuine…right? But after a couple of discussions and some avoidance on his part, he came clean and said the whole previous week he was talking to his ex and working on getting back together with her……. all the while he was texting me at the same time: “I miss you baby. I appreciate you babe. Your so hot.” I quickly looked down at my phone to see if I had dialed the right number, wasn’t this the same chick that he told me needed to be committed because she was that crazy? The chick he was nervous leaving his own kids with? The chick not taking her “medication?” That chick?


All I could think was: “where the heck am I?” “An alternate universe where crazies get the guy and the sane ones were the baby in the corner?” “He has to be pulling a fast one on me right? He said she was going to physically hurt me, me! A member of this law abiding human society! Hurt me, a person she couldn’t even pick out of a line up! How could he think that behavior was ok for a stranger, let alone a good quality in a life partner?! I gathered my thoughts very slowly and asked in a shaky voice: “Is she really crazy than?” He answered with one word in a sure voice: “Yes.” Who will be along in a what now! Was all I managed to process. Have I lost you yet? Because you read that right, HE GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH A PERSON HE THINKS IS CRAZY. As my girlfriends said, after they were done laughing hysterically when I finished telling my tale they said: “You just can’t make this stuff up anymore.” One of my girlfriends said she peed a little she was laughing so hard. Um ya….

I had trouble figuring out who was the bigger idiot at that universal defining moment: ME, for falling for his words hook, line and sinker? Or HIM the guy who said his ex was crazy enough to be committed and using her new found freedom to sleep with every man that was willing and now choosing to reunite with her? My vote is me, all the way me, I was the idiot. We broke up that morning and I later found out that he spent that same exact evening getting….getting reacquainted with her if you will?

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enough said…….

I’m going to be honest with you (like I have maintained through this whole story) even after all of his lying and leaving me after he said the words to me that he did, it still took me about a week or so to finally let go of him. Even though I knew that I deserved better, heck anyone deserved better than this! I still secretly hoped that everything would go back to the way it was and I could talk on the phone with my movie star crush again and hear him say once more: “I miss you babe,” but it didn’t happen. I couldn’t stomach the thought of my knight in shining armor settling back into the same relationship, with the same woman and just well settling with that life. I knew there were going to be difficulties with our relationship: distance, his odd job hours, his kids, his crazy ex, but I thought God brought him to me as the answer to my prayers and I truly believed that God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle so obviously, I could handle this. I was played. He played me like a $5 dollar fiddle at a vintage shop, he knew what I wanted to hear and he kept telling it to me just like I wanted.

Like any natural woman, my girlfriends and I did some snooping on social media, up until this point, I never would seek to see his previous life on Facebook, I wanted to focus on the new future we could possibly make together. My girlfriends started busting up laughing, I was shocked my eyes wider than the lollipop in my mouth, we at least thought if she was as crazy as he described and he still got back together with her she must have been drop dead gorgeous, thats his only excuse right? Um…..well I’ll leave it at that. My girlfriends said in unison: “Kelsi, drop him like the dead weight loser that he is, he is literally a loser, he made his bed and unfortunately for him, he has to lay in it next to that.” They were right. He lied. He was a liar. He honestly wasn’t deserving of all the things I was prepared to give him, maybe God’s justice is ever so fair, he did a horrible thing and now he has to spend his life a woman he described as needing to be committed.

None of this really makes sense to me and almost three weeks after the fact it still doesn’t…does it to any of you?? Maybe you can enlighten me one day. But my reason for telling my tale is to share with you ladies in particular, dating is hard, finding that one true love is like finding a needle in a stack of needles, but never ever think to sacrifice your yourself, your values or the vows you have made to yourself for a man. Always listen to your inner red flags, ALWAYS, had I listened I wouldn’t have spent 5 nights crying in my shower. Hey but you live and you learn! I’m not going to let him stop me from finding my real knight in shining armor. I still believe in love, I’m still a hopeless romantic, I still believe that God created that one special man just for me, the man that truly deserves me to spoil him and him to spoil me. In hindsight do I forgive this person for what he did and the pain he caused me and left me to deal with while he went on his merry way to his happily ever with his crazy partner and two young kids with no regard to the words he said to me, the promises he made me or the mess he left in his wake on the bathroom floor? Yes I do. First because I’m a bigger person than that. Second because I think he is still an immature kid, still growing up and finding his way, that he really should have known his feelings and his situation before he reached out to another woman and made a bunch of promises to her he couldn’t keep, a man’s word is everything to him and he hasn’t quite learned that yet. He made a mistake and hurt me in the process. Is it his loss? Heck ya! But I don’t have time to tell him that, I’m already gone. I look in my rearview mirror and I don’t even see him in it anymore.

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Until Next Time,

XOXO

Kelsi

 

Comments

  1. My precious niece, you have the right perspective on all of this. Thank you for sharing your journey. You will help somebody else be strong because of your transparency. God has that perfect God seeking man all picked out for you and you will recognize him because his wisdom will remind you of all of the God seeking men in your family. His choice is the right one. The man you will be with won’t lie to you and disregard your heart. He will be deserving of your nurturing. Do I want to have a conversation with that confused young man? No. He is not at a point where he could even begin to understand. He needs prayer to be able handle the responsibility of Fathering those two precious, innocent children. I love you to pieces Kels. Hang on to the promises of God. You are richly blessed by the lessons you learned through this ordeal. BTW, you are an amazing writer! OMG!!
    Jules

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